inner child? c'mon, no really...
When I first heard the term “inner child” I rolled my eyes. But something is starting to click with this idea that I have an inner child and need to do something about him or else.
And that or else is the scary part. If you think an actual child tantrum is bad, your hard to see, hard to believe inner child tantrums are much worse. The fact you keep ignoring little <insert your name here> is the reason for so many repeating bad patterns in your adult life.
Sarah Elkhaldy (aka The Alchemist) has this 3 STEPS to Begin Healing the Wounded Inner Child video; let’s review it.
The wound that the inner child is holding is abandonment.
There it is in one sentence. And in one word: abandonment.
It's mute. Its language is sensory. It does not operate or speak the same way that the intellect does. This is very important to know because many times we approach the inner child as though they need to meet us where we are at. We try to gently talk reason with them so they can get on our level or see some bigger picture or understand some higher meaning to the pain they hold. All of this is very inappropriate.
Oh. Guilty as charged. Silly me I was trying to just explain we’re an adult now and SNAP OUT OF IT! C’MON KID PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER… oh, I mean, I love you unconditionally and I’ll never abandon you ever again.
The inner child needs to be felt and witnessed not reasoned with. The adult aspect of us wants to reach forgiveness prematurely or seeks to maneuver the inner child into a state of letting go. This puts enormous pressure on the inner child and only adds further insult to injury. In fact, this aspect of us constantly is put in situations where it is asked to be the bigger person when it's specifically not meant to be the bigger person!
Oh and there’s this:
Because the inner child resides both within our subconscious and the unconscious they are the gatekeeper to vast reserves of untapped wisdom from both of these sources.
Well when you put it like that, gatekeeper? That sounds like a pretty important position. I should make friends with my gatekeeper!
So naturally we approach our inner child for their wisdom and course we do this out of respect for them. It's a very innocent misstep and yet this too is inappropriate. We want the inner child to be our healer. But the appropriate relationship with the inner child is that we are the divine guardian and we are the compassionate witness they never had but always dreamed of. They only have eyes for us. We are their everything.
My inner child isn’t going to heal ME. I’m going to be this amazing big-brother my inner kid never had!
The most precious medicine we could ever give them is to be understood and validated exactly as they show up with absolutely no strings attached on our ends. This is the experience they never had; caretakers or parental figures ranging from outright abusive to simply not having the capacity to offer a child unconditional love. The inner child's deepest wound is the wound of never being fully and deeply seen for who they are at their core.
Step 1: Fully see our inner child just as they are.
Set the intention to meet with your inner child while you're in a meditative state.
You're not always going to be shown the same age every time and that's fine.
Whatever age they present themselves to us in that session is the aspect that we most need to be in touch with in that moment.
Observe the inner child just as he or she is.
What we are doing is being the safe space for them to be exactly as they are. The inner child is angry with us when we first start to connect with them and that's an entirely appropriate response to being neglected and having to fen for itself throughout their existence. The more we are able to show up for them and be their safe space where they are deeply seen and allowed to be however they feel, they will begin to start opening up to us.
Step 2: Find out what the inner child needs and then we give them that experience.
This is very healing to the inner child because a lot of times our needs were made out to be trivial or it wasn't even safe to have needs! For example, we could take them shopping for clothes and let them pick out whatever they want to wear to express who they are. Make sure though to allow them their own reactions to this whole process rather than go through the motions and have them act out exactly how you want them to.
And…
Watch them so that you can respond as well from a genuine space. You can do this for anything the inner child needs and anything applies as a need. We don't have to determine whether or not they truly need something. That's not our job. This is not only for tangible resources but also for the emotional resources that they didn't receive as well.
Step 3: Give them the security that they never have had.
This is the secret to healing the inner child you need to talk to your inner child like you are a stage five clinger.
What is a stage five clinger you ask? Say super cringe things like “I will never leave you ever!” and “We're gonna be together for all of eternity!” But pretend like they are not cringe things to say and really mean them.
It feels alone, overwhelmed and abandoned. The inner child wants to know that it's not alone through all of this that it will never have to be alone again. So speak with your inner child as though you both are two stage five clingers and give it a level of security that it never even thought it would have had in its wildest dreams. The inner child is the most crucial aspect we hold. If it's not healed and integrated then the network of our entire being will not feel safe enough to continue.
She ends with “it holds the key between us and infinity.” So it’s simple right? Step 1, 2, 3. I’ll see you at infinity.